Paying the Price

 3/9/22

I pay the price when I do unhealthy things to myself. Alone in my room, I reminisce about the past and what I'm missing. Am I where I should be? The silence is so loud that I can hear my thoughts screaming in my ears. Can I meet myself halfway? I dream of the future and divulge my darkest secrets, hoping it will make a difference. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but it's never really over until it is. And when it is, I am left feeling empty. But I choose to believe anyway because I can't go back to the way it was. I choke on the smoke from the fire that I started, but now it's out and I'm left wandering in the ashes looking for my way forward. Life wants something I don't think I can give, yet I give it anyway. The water floods the ashes away while I swim, trying not to drown in my secrets. Can I carry my own weight for long enough to push my way through the tide? I have trouble breathing. I feel tired, depleted. My will to survive is stronger than the waves. I need to let go and trust myself...to know that I can overcome the world that's burning down around me. I may have fucked it all up along the way, but it's MY life and I'll keep showing up. Questionable choices ruled my past until I snapped and faded slowly, but not all gone. Lonely and out of place, I work my way back to my reality. Can I make it happen? I feel like it's a million miles away. Find me in the dark, fumbling my way into the light. Even when things seem hopeless, there's still hope somewhere. I just have to look in the right places. I hold still and listen to the wind. Beyond the screaming thoughts is my way forward. If I listen to them, I will be consumed, but the soft wind holds the secret to making it after all. It's not too late. Even if it takes a lifetime of making it one day at a time... that's what I will do.